Feeling low

I denied for years that my ’sugar’ issue would get worse. I treated it like my seasonal allergies. I would gain some weight, than sugar would become an issue and I would focus on losing it. I never really was angry, so those stages of dealing with grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance) that can be said for most any change in your life, sometimes can be skipped. However, I find myself feeling low, depressed or just generally shitty and unable to break this pattern.

If I look at the past week since my doctor and I had that discussion about this was going to be with me foreverrrrrr. I have not sleep more than 3-4 hours a night, mop around and general avoid all activity outside of watching some TV and eating (though as good a diabetic diet as possible). I am very A.D.D. too with my attention span even shorter than usual. My work, I work from home and have my share of down time, does not interest me either. I don’t read, a sanctuary that I would normally crawl into when feeling low. I pitter around my home.

I keep thinking I should exercise (I have not run for a week), get my writing done, or just go out for a drive. Nothing. I think about it and than it is like the thought goes away. I don’t feel bad about it. By bad, I mean guilty over doing nothing. I just don’t care. I get enough umph up each day to head to my office, but that is it. My routines are mostly shot to hell.

I wake at all times of the night, I brush my teeth, I head downstairs to take my morning medicine and than just let the day slide away until I am tired at night. I than hope that when I get in bed that I will fall asleep. Last night I took an over the counter sleep aid and I drifted rather quickly, but than work up at 3am feeling like I was hung over and still drunk.

Is it the diabetes? My reaction to knowing about my diabetes? I don’t know.

I small part of me does want this to end, nothing it cannot last forever. But, the rest of me does not care how long this feeling goes on.

I will focus on posting something new this weekend.