Where is my place
I continue to develop my self awareness and the current revelation (not a correct word as it is something I always knew, just refused o recognize).
The place that I would be able to call my place is unknown to me. The closest I came to it was when I lived alone for 2 years. I felt very comfortable going to my apartment. Walking around naked or half naked as it were. I found that I was most comfortable in the coolness of the climate I lived in to walk around the apartment with a sweatshirt on and perhaps some socks, but nothing else.
Back on point, that I have never felt that there was a place for me where ever I have lived. Not when I was growing up as a child, nor when I was married and not so much now.
Feeling out of place.
Feeling like I was invading peoples space.
Believing that the people who saw me in whatever place I am are wondering what am I doing there/here?
Oh, so selfish of me.
Recently, opening myself to my own happiness, I have discovered my own selfishness in that my desire to feel a part of something, someplace that I merely need to welcoming, vulnerable and honest.
People are not cruel or judging. Well, yes they are but not of me particularly.
I can write about my childhood, which while generally happy, it has come to light that after my father’s death I felt displaced. I lived with my family, but due to the reaction to my father’s death – they / I, separated emotionally. My older sister, did not and thus my closeness to her and intense grief over her death.
I could blame that period of time, but I am not sure whether they pulled away from me or I them. Regardless, I sought a relationship that would I would feel that I belonged, apart of something. Dating a few girls did not pan out. Mainly due to that simple fact that the girl wanted a relationship with me, not be part of something. While they were very insecure about themselves physically (demonstrated by their ease of having sex with me), they were secure emotionally about their place in the world.
I was secure about myself physically, but my place in the world – not at all.
Then my wife, who had a mother and a father, a grandmother and a large mad, but loving family. A place to be apart of was found. Almost 20 years for me to realize it was not my place and that this women who I had given my love to did not love me.
Now, the marriage is over. I am living in a new city, new job and taking new chances.
But, I am realizing my place. It is, of course for you schooled in psycology or philosphy within myself. My place is the here and now. While I am not quite living in the moment, I am living in the day working towards the moment. It is much better than when I lived in the year or did not live at all, just existed, worked, and accumulated things, wealth and accomplishments.
Now I live and accumulate memories and relationships.
Will I find another person to love?
Well, I likely will fall in love again, but it will be an infatuation as I have had several of those and more to come.
I welcome the full joy of these experiences along with the desperate pain that comes with them as well.
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