When does it stop hurting anymore?
It came flooding back
You know, just watching the latest Grey’s and the scene were the daughter is being told what will happen now that she has signed the stop extraordinary measures.
Up to that point, I was entertained, somewhat deep into the drama of the show.
But, then the words -
The words the doctor (actor) was saying and the tone used
Flash, back to my mom
Flash again, back to my sister
Bedside, hearing the words and that quiet, sympathetic tone.
The feelings washed over me like someone pouring a bucket of molasses over me and kept it coming.
Tears flowed.
My breath caught in my throat.
I did not cry when I okay’ed my sisters efforts be stopped. I was solemn, stoic and arguing with myself that this was what she wanted.
With my mom, I was angry at the lack of that tone from the first doctor (arrogant ass he was) and that anger carried to the second doctor who had the tone.
I did cry that day. Not the next day or the next.
I did shed some tears later that week. But, kept the sobbing in check. Had to, had to be there for the others.
But, once again like it did just 2 years ago. It overwhelmed me then, just left me uncontrollably sobbing about them leaving me, about me not being right about stopping the care about me needing them now.
If is not as uncontrollable as it was then so many years after their deaths, perhaps at the time it was due to it just having built up all those years. But, even now, after talking it out with my own head doc’s,
The words and that tone, just too much.
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Tags: death, loss, loved ones
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