You know, just watching the latest Grey’s and the scene were the daughter is being told what will happen now that she has signed the stop extraordinary measures.

Up to that point, I was entertained, somewhat deep into the drama of the show.

But, then the words -

The words the doctor (actor) was saying and the tone used

Flash, back to my mom

Flash again, back to my sister

Bedside, hearing the words and that quiet, sympathetic tone.

The feelings washed over me like someone pouring a bucket of molasses over me and kept it coming.

Tears flowed.

My breath caught in my throat.

I did not cry when I okay’ed my sisters efforts be stopped. I was solemn, stoic and arguing with myself that this was what she wanted.
With my mom, I was angry at the lack of that tone from the first doctor (arrogant ass he was) and that anger carried to the second doctor who had the tone.

I did cry that day. Not the next day or the next.

I did shed some tears later that week. But, kept the sobbing in check. Had to, had to be there for the others.

But, once again like it did just 2 years ago. It overwhelmed me then, just left me uncontrollably sobbing about them leaving me, about me not being right about stopping the care about me needing them now.

If is not as uncontrollable as it was then so many years after their deaths, perhaps at the time it was due to it just having built up all those years. But, even now, after talking it out with my own head doc’s,

The words and that tone, just too much.

Not really, but it did not help matters.

Confession is a good thing and if the catholics would get back to the root of the need for confession and absolution, the world would be a better place.  The reason for seeking forgiveness from god via your priest is because it is so very very hard to forgive yourself.  It is actually easy to forgive yourself it you feel a greater power has forgiven you.  This is the brilliance of the original thoughts on confession and absolution in knowing that psychology of humans.  But, I digress.

You need to forgive yourself for the bad you have done to move past it and love yourself.  You cannot seek others forgiveness until you forgive yourself.  Those AA people have it right with their 12 steps.

So list the evil you have wrought.

Categories like

- Actual criminal activity

- drugs

- sex

- mean things to people or animals

- having feelings you hate to have

then add

- done to strangers

- done to loved ones

- done to casual acquaintances

- done to enemies

- done to yourself

List them all and realize there will be more.

For us white people, we have the white guilt over things like treatment of Native Americans, slavery, Japanese-American interment camps and the desire to feel superior to other races in general.  Definitely get that one on there – if your white or whitish.

Then seek forgiveness for each and everyone – from the only person it really matters to get that forgiveness from.

Yourself.

Go ahead and smirk.

It sounds too simple.  It is NOT.

Your thinking, I just say I forgive me and done right.

No.

Have you ever told someone you love them?  I do not mean that teenage girl “I looooooove you”, but real deep emotional look them solid in the eyes and tell them that you love them and have the conviction that it will be forever.

You know what I am talking about.

That depth of feeling is what you have to seek and then deliver to forgive yourself.

It is not easy.

Thus, the reason we look to others to forgive us be it god, mom/dad or some other authority that we give the power to.

It just is not enough and really does not work.

As a race, the human race, we hate ourselves most of the time.  Our religions have a lot to do with this, but they have just formalized it.  Religion did not create this hatred, no that is the wrong word – disappointment in ourselves.  Because this disappointment creates the guilt we carry with us.

I continue to work on this daily – really every single day I go through the above categories.

I break laws each day – traffic mainly, but there are others.  I am routinely mean to people and most often have bad thoughts about people.

They are ugly, dumb looking, stupid drivers, too fat, too loud or unbelievably hot looking and would it be nice to have sex with them.

Going to hell, am I.

No – I am not.  I will leave the religious argument for others, but for me I am not because hell for me is the land of the unforgiven.

I will not be there, I am in the land of fuck you I have forgiven myself because it is the RIGHT thing to do.

The place that I would be able to call my place is unknown to me.  The closest I came to it was when I lived alone for 2 years.  I felt very comfortable going to my apartment.  Walking around naked or half naked as it were.  I found that I was most comfortable in the coolness of the climate I lived in to walk around the apartment with a sweatshirt on and perhaps some socks, but nothing else.

Back on point, that I have never felt that there was a place for me where ever I have lived.  Not when I was growing up as a child, nor when I was married and not so much now.

Feeling out of place.

Feeling like I was invading peoples space.

Believing that the people who saw me in whatever place I am are wondering what am I doing there/here?

Oh, so selfish of me.

Recently, opening myself to my own happiness, I have discovered my own selfishness in that my desire to feel a part of something, someplace that I merely need to welcoming, vulnerable and honest.

People are not cruel or judging.  Well, yes they are but not of me particularly.

I can write about my childhood, which while generally happy, it has come to light that after my father’s death I felt displaced.  I lived with my family, but due to the reaction to my father’s death – they / I, separated emotionally.  My older sister, did not and thus my closeness to her and intense grief over her death.

I could blame that period of time, but I am not sure whether they pulled away from me or I them.  Regardless, I sought a relationship that would I would feel that I belonged, apart of something.  Dating a few girls did not pan out.  Mainly due to that simple fact that the girl wanted a relationship with me, not be part of something.  While they were very insecure about themselves physically (demonstrated by their ease of having sex with me), they were secure emotionally about their place in the world.

I was secure about myself physically, but my place in the world – not at all.

Then my wife, who had a mother and a father, a grandmother and a large mad, but loving family.  A place to be apart of was found.  Almost 20 years for me to realize it was not my place and that this women who I had given my love to did not love me.

Now, the marriage is over.  I am living in a new city, new job and taking new chances.

But, I am realizing my place.  It is, of course for you schooled in psycology or philosphy within myself.  My place is the here and now.  While I am not quite living in the moment, I am living in the day working towards the moment.  It is much better than when I lived in the year or did not live at all, just existed, worked, and accumulated things, wealth and accomplishments.

Now I live and accumulate memories and relationships.

Will I find another person to love?

Well, I likely will fall in love again, but it will be an infatuation as I have had several of those and more to come.

I welcome the full joy of these experiences along with the desperate pain that comes with them as well.

Stress to call the bank about my failure

The court about my failure ot pay

The fear they will screw me due to my weakness that I will deeply regret

Disappointment

Pain, feeling bad

Pain, feeling vulnerable

Logic bears out that I will get past it

It will get better, not like it was, but better in a different way

Like exercise, having to get my breathing under control before I can get into a stretch run.

The fear of the pain of emotional rejection is what I need to get through to get to the stretch run

Stressing, crying, and hiding from everyone. Hoping someone reaches out and tells me I don’t suck, that I am not worthless and that I will be successful again.

Logic tells me that all these are true. But, I am afraid of disappointing everyone, that once again I am being judged so strongly.

Oooph.

My daily lack of real cardio.  My repeated efforts to get into things and then quickly abandon them whether it be diet plans or exercise programs or both.  The old story of millions of people.  Whine to the choir, am i.

The reasons for eating and not exercising have become the most recent dive into my psyche.  Because we has humans must categorize things for the main reason is that once we categorize it, we can understand it and it is less scary.  That is a need for a longer conversation.

But my category is emotional eating.

I eat when i am happy.

when I am sad.

when I am bored.

when I am angry.

list an emotion and my response is to eat.

not being hungry does not matter.  One of my favorite lines is Danny DeVito from Other Peoples Money when he asks the cute girl if she wants a donut.  She answers, ‘I am not hungry’.  Danny looks at her bewildered and says ‘what does being hungry have to do with eating a donut’.

Great line and so true of my life.  I envy those people who only eat when they are hungry.  I envy those poor people who have the drive and discipline to starve themselves into bulimia.

My life is not hard.  It is not easy, but hard – hardly – ha.

I live more in my means now.

I have forgiven myself for transgressions that only I held against myself.

I have reconnected with my children, family and friends at a level that is far beyond what my father ever had time to do with me.

Still – the eating thing is there and ever present.  In fact, it is tied to an overall inability to discipline myself on most anything.

learning a new language – tried for a few months, bought Rosetta Stone – give it up

books that take months to read, because I start, stop, start, stop.  Though audible books I am more focused, but that is only the past month – we will see.

exercise equipment

writing

so on and so on.

But, eating that I can do and keep with regardless of everything else.

I may write more about it as I delve, if I can keep disciplined about that.

Not with depression.

or anxiety.

Well, some anxiety.

but financially.  Things are tight.

Divorce

Healthcare

getting enough work to pay the bills

living off my sister’s charity

And at 2am as I put some more time into the book I am writing, I wondered loudly in my head will it get better?  Will I survive this time?

This time.

Yes, there have been other times were financially I was in trouble.  Yet, those times that things got very dire, near the precipice of failure.  A job was finally offered or a client said yes.

There are days that you feel completely useless no matter how much time and effort you put into your work because there is no return.  But, my life is a demonstration that you do not have to have talent to give effort and that persistence of effort will pay off, but only if you are ready to take the opportunity.

I am at a precipice once again and I am up at 2am not because I am anxious and cannot sleep.  But, because I wanted to work on my book and now these thoughts I have had to be put into an entry.

For now I am not anxious about a precipice, but anxious for the precipice to arrive.

My mind was wandering and I was thinking about a date I will be having this week and also the other women I am dating.  My thoughts have recently been heavy on sex and the true need I have to have it – with another person.

This lead to my mind wandering to where is this sex to occur.  My home, which is for sale, is empty of all but a well used full bed. While functionally able to be used for the act, not very atmospherical-ly conductive.

The other place I am staying is my sister’s house where I have a nice room to myself with a wonderful queen bed and conductive bedding.  But —-, my sister’s house is like her life, unfinished in a hodge podge manner.  She has very nice appliances in the kitchen (high end), along with washer, dryer and a tub in the bathroom that I enjoy regularly for I fit all of my 6′ 2″ frame in it very comfortably.   However, the bathroom tub is not walled in and there is no door (just a sheet we hang over for some privacy).  The kitchen has the appliances and one set of cabinets, but the old set is sitting in the dinning area used as a junk storage.

I enjoy living there in this hodge podge.  I have offered to help move some home improvements along and she says no no, it will get done when I get to it.  So, as I always have – I accept my sister for what she is and her home for what it is and I perform no judgement accept for my observations above.  I do not dwell daily on the lack of finish, simply enjoying the comfort my sister has offered me.

Here is the conflicting thought/s – when I think of these women perhaps coming for sex to my sister’s or my home which is for sale, I immediately think that they would not like it, be embarrassed by it, judge me harshly because of it.  All these thoughts come screaming into my head.

Oh my god, they will be shocked, displeased, but adjectives here of your choice.

So, is this a reflection on my true thoughts about my living arrangements.  That I am embarrassed, shocked, displeased, so on and so on.

I don’t think so, because when I think about moving somewhere and finding my own place I am not urged to do so internally.  I could see myself staying with my sister for a year and then moving somewhere, where I do not know as I have not strong feeling about anywhere, but close to her and my friends in the neighboring states.

Should I just tell these other thoughts to shut the fuck up?

These thoughts are common in my life regarding not just my living space, but my dress, physical looks, car, other family members, political leanings, religious beliefs, food likes and dislikes – well everything about me.

I have gotten beyond the self-judging and feel I am comfortable with myself.

Is that true?  Is this just another way of self-judging?

I feel better.  I am more engaged in my life.

Letting the stresses not get out of control, but also embracing that they will happen.

Not sure of what to do, if anything.

I am sure I want to have sex with one or both of these women and soon.  Frankly, it is not limited to these women.  Most any warm body that I can have sex with and then snuggle up to sleep a bit would be wonderful.

get ready for bed

put on the ac to make sure we have a cold room

put on some quiet music

dark room

all the damn things that the books, blogs and so on say to do

laying here

and laying here

ok, up now.

watch something funny

stretch

nothing.

tired still.

damn tired still.

just awake, fully awake.

well not really, sleepy eyes and i can snuggle with my pillow and then nothing.

not even interested in jerking off.

how fucking fucked up is it when porn does not even get a rise out of you.

okay, just not sleeping.  perhaps I can sleep during the hurricane tomorrow.

barely go out accept for junk food, though I have eaten some veggies and fruit.

i am some dire straights financially, legally due to my marriage woes and job issues.

so, I am hiding out from everyone and everything.

stuck watching all three seasons of Kingdom and Wire in the Blood.